Melancholy in Disguise
by truc2707052
Summary: Kira's life of depression. Romance, friends problems, bullying, and family problems. Read to find out what happens.


Melancholy In Disguise

Alone

"BRRRINNNG!!". The sound that awoke me from my slumber. The haunting memories came back to me that morning. Every night I have to face what happened that event many years ago. _I don't see why I have to go to school still. I'm gonna suicide in high school, anyways. Why does this happen every night?_ My name is the most unusual name, especially at my school. My mother is Japanese and my father is white. I'm 14, 5'4, and I always spike my hair in an awesome way. I looked at ceiling and recall the dream I had. I stood up. "Kira, come downstairs. Breakfast's ready." My head swung towards the door and down the stairs. "Good morning, father." I said. _He's wearing that pink apron again_. My dad, 45 years old, has white hair, pinkish skin, and a shaved mustache. I ate the eggs and biscuits on my plate, grabbed my backpack, and headed towards the door. If you're wondering where my mom is, she's gone. I'm used to this life already. "Have fun in school, Kira." My father said, reading the newspaper. I walked the path that I always do. The same road towards hell, the place where we "learn". Like there was much to learn there anyways. What, with all the crap I receive, how could I possibly learn anything even if I wanted to? The only reason why I still live is because of the angel that I met many years ago.

Who is she, you ask? She is a completely different creature, even though she has curves, is pretty, and is also popular, I still have this feeling that I can never get rid of. I want this feeling, but at the same time, I don't. I already know that she and I won't end up together. It's impossible. We're too different. It's stupid. She comes to me out of nowhere just to say "hi". Damn. I swear. She's magic. She always makes me smile. She's special to me. "_HEY KIRA_!" His low voice made me realized that I already walked past the gates of school. A skinny, tall, tan, good-looking guy walked up to me. He wore a white collared shirt and black pants. "Hi Daniel." I said. Daniel has been with me ever since 1st grade. He isn't my best friend, he's just some guy who always comes up to me during school. I guess you can call him a 'close friend'. Daniel and I walked to 1st period together and went to our separate classrooms. My 1st period class is English with Mr. Nguyen-Pham. He's a strange and funny teacher; his class is way easier than any of my other classes. As usual, we read out loud and had conversations about the story we're reading about.

looked around. All I saw were: basketball courts, a black top, and the track field._ Damn, what a waste of my time. _I got excited for nothing again. I feel so stupid. Other girls in their PE uniform came out and talked about their boyfriends. I started to walk to where my class is gathering at. Suddenly, everything turned black. I couldn't see anything or anybody. Something was blocking my eyes from seeing. I realized that it was someone's hand covering my eyes, I suddenly started saying "Hey! Let go of me! Don't touch me!!" I slapped the hand away and turned around to see who it was. _This person's pissing me off. _Then, I saw who it was… It was the angel.

My next class came up in a flash, PE. _Yes! Finally, PE is my favorite class._ It's my favorite class because I love to work out; and the angel is there. I power walked to the PE's locker room and changed as quickly as I could. My heart thumping, I felt the blood rush to my brain. _Is she here?_ I was outside and

Lost

My mind went blank and I was constantly scolding myself in my mind. _Damn, I just yelled at her like that... Now she's gonna hate me! _After all of that, I found myself just plainly saying "sorry". Her eyes waver to me then to the ground and back to me again. "It's ok." She said, turned around, and walked away from me. My eyes lowered to the ground, _I feel so stupid_. I started towards the opposite direction she was going, to my class. I walked towards my class and my friend, Daniel, being the happy and positive person he is, smiled. "What were you doing with Ria?" I didn't felt like talking and faking my smiles. I'm too tired of life. I'm too tired of being rejected all the time. My love life has always been like this. Always turning out the wrong way. _Why did this have to happen?_ If only I knew she was behind me. Ria, the name makes my heart race. I always watched her from a far distance. I bet she doesn't even think of me as her friend. _Why can't I forget her? _

I walked slowly to my next class, each step to the next class seemed to be slower than the last one. My legs felt like rubber bands as I sat down. My math class is filled with many full blooded Asians. Because of my race, I have never been able to talk with them. I am only half Asian, with the brain of my mother. The bell rang and my math teacher (a female), gave the class back our test paper. My paper had no red marks and only a circle that has an A at the top. As usual, I was able to get an A without studying much. _Now what?_ This isn't as fun as it used to be. I am always at the top of the class with the highest percentage. But because of this, this is my least favorite class. My classmates see me as a rival. They don't talk to me or ask me for help on class work. They act as if I'm invisible, as if I don't exist, as if they hate me. _I'm hated. _At lunch, I walked around by myself. I walked by many couples hand-in-hand. This sickened me. As I kept my head forward, I saw Ria. Walking with... another guy. My chest felt like it was stab by a spear. They were holding hands. _My chest hurts._ I started to retrace my steps and walk back, away from her. If only I never liked her in the first place. How stupid of me. It's all my fault, this is what I deserve. _I'm worthless. I want to die._

That night, I woke up at 3:00 AM. _That dream again. . . _I layed in bed thinking with my eyes closed. _I'm scared. . . . . I'm lonely. Someone help me. . . please. . . _I stared at the ceiling for about an hour and gave up on trying to sleep. I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen for water. "Kira, what are you doing so early?" It was my father, yawning. "This isn't like you. You aren't a morning person." _Shoot. Why is he awake? _My eyes lowered to his feet. "I couldn't sleep." _I can't make my father worry about me. He's working hard to support us._ My father eyes were telling me that he's still worried about me._ Please don't waste your time worrying about me. I'm not worth it._ "Good night, dad. I'm going back to sleep now." I waved my hand and walked back to my room. I could feel my father's eyes on my back. _That was the first time I lied to him._ What am I keeping from him? I got back on my bed, closed my eyes, and tried to sleep again. _I feel so useless..._ Why can't I fall asleep?

The next morning was another repeat. As I walk past the gates of school, my best friend, Andy, grabbed me by the neck. "Hey Kira!" I turned to look at him, and waved. He looked at me strangely and asked, "What's wrong?". My chest hurt right at the word 'wrong'. I clenched my fist and managed to say "Nothing. I'm all right." I don't know where he went after that. _What's the point of living now?_ _Nobody cares about me. Nobody likes me. I'm so tired. . _ I walked to my class and was in a daze. Nothing matter anymore to me. Class work and homework were nothing. About a week later, I got back my math test. Nearly all the problems on it, had a red check mark. I received my first F. _What's wrong with me?_ "Let your parent sign that." My math teacher told me. _Who cares if I get a lecture?_ I put the test in my backpack.

"What is this, Kira? You have always been the top of the class." My father said, as he looked at my test paper. He looked at me with his concerned face again. "Is there something bothering you? If there's anything I can do, tell me, alright?" My chest started to hurt as I thought of what I saw. _Ria._ "Is it a girl?" My father asked. My heart slumped, I was surprised, but I was emotionless. For some reason, I couldn't smile at all. "Haha. Your face tells me the whole story." _How did he know? Does my face have the whole story on it? _He puts his hands on my shoulder, his face was close to mine, and said "Son, please. If there's something that you want to talk about, you can always tell me." My heart was crying out. _Help me.. please. . _I really did wanted to tell him, but I was afraid of causing him trouble. _Please don't worry about me._ "I will." I said with a stern voice. I went to sleep that night, but ended up having a nightmare. I woke up

with a start and immediately got up. I struggled as I got myself to walk to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and my reflection. I looked at myself and desperately asked myself: _Why am I even living?_

Studying started to be like a hobby. It was the only thing that kept my mind from thinking about suicide. My grades eventually got better and I was back on track. The only problem was that everyone started hating me again. I was shunned. I'm always alone. _What did I ever do to them?_ During lunch, I felt like crying, cry my heart out, but for some reason, the tears never came. Sitting on the ground during lunch made me stand out. I sat in despair, fear, and anxiety. _Someone, help me. Please. . _Of course, nobody came to help me. It was always the same. Nothing new happens. The days repeated like pages in a book. The feeling in my chest never faded, it was always there. "Kira? What's wrong? You look sad." A female voice came into my head. I looked up and saw her. My smiling guardian angel came to save me. Ria.

My heart raced as I saw her smile. Her mouth was smiling, but her eyes were filled with worry. _Why am I still feeling this way?! I don't like her anymore!_ "I - I'm alright." I said, not looking into her eyes. "Kira, you know. . . I . . Um . . I - I like you." Her eyes looked at the ground as she said it. My heart skipped a beat. _Is this a dream? Is this really happening? But who was that guy she was with? Should I be with her? Am I worthy enough to? _ "Aren't you with someone else? That guy you were holding hands with." I asked, trying very hard, not letting her hear my voice quaver. She looked at me and blinked. "He's my cousin, he's always out of control and I had to hold his hand to get him in control." By the look on her face, she was telling the truth. My face turned red and I turned away from her. _What am I supposed to do during this time? _"Hey! Answer me! Be a man!" Ria said. She got me out of my thoughts. _Man, she's so pushy. I never knew she was like this._ I turned around to look at her. "I do too, ok?" _Is this the right choice? _As I was about to say something, before I knew it, I was in her arms. She held me tight. I was in ecstasy.

As I walked home from school, all I could think about was Ria. She was the only person in my mind, and nothing else. I thought about the moment when she confessed to me. She was more beautiful than I thought she would be. Close up, she's beautiful. At that moment, I thought I was going to be happy for the rest of my life. Nothing could make me from being happy, nothing. Ria was all I needed. As I approached my house, I dug into my backpack and held the house key into my hand. I put the key in and turned it. I was in my house. I dropped my backpack on the floor and jumped around in joy. _She loves me! I'm the happiest guy in the world! _I slowly stopped jumping because of my legs getting sore. I suddenly realized that my feelings started going down again. My mood went down again. _Why? _I'm with the girl I loved for a long time, but I'm still sad? _Why. . ?_ What is wrong with me? Am I not normal? I went to my desk and started on my homework. After an hour, I finished my homework. I walked around the house until my dad came home. "Hi Kira, how was school?" He asked with a smile. I paused before answering. _I was feeling happy before, but now. . I feel so . . down? Why is that? _"It was the usual. Nothing new." I answered. My dad smiled at me, mischievously1. He must've known that I had something good happen to me today.

Hated

The next day as I walked into my math class, all of my classmates stared at me with resentment. _Why are they hating on me so much today?_ "So you got with Ria, cracker2?" A full-blooded Asian asked me. I ignored him. "Hey! You know, you're making us Asians look bad." He continued saying. After that, he continued saying racist comments to me. Other Asians started to follow what the Asian was doing. _Shit. _But then I realized something: _Am I worthy of her? Should I even be with her? She's so popular and I'm not. We are an unlikely couple. _As I walked out of the classroom to lunch, Ria hugged me from behind. "Kira! Hi!" She said with a cheerful voice. Her voice reached my ears, but not my heart. I managed to say hi to her and walked away. _I already knew this. It's all my fault. How stupid of me. This is what I deserve. _My body means nothing to me. I may be living, my heart may be beating, but my mind is dead. Nobody cares about me here. Nobody will care if I die, everyone will act as if nothing significant had ever happened. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing at all…

As I got home, I sat down, held my knees with my hands, and stared at the floor. I sat in despair3, my eyes were opened, but was I really looking at the floor? No. I was dead, dead inside. _Everyone hates me at school. Life sucks. Why was I even born in this world? _Tears still didn't come out and that annoyed me. My girlfriend doesn't help me. She's the one that's making me miserable. _Isn't she?_ _Ria. . . _I didn't know anymore. Ever since I got with her, everything got worse. All of the Asians started ganging up on me. Making fun of me. Jumping me after school. Being hella racist. My feelings started to change. I wanted to run away. Run somewhere that nobody in this world is at. If that was possible, it'll be heaven. That… or just hell.

_I want to die so badly. Who needs me? Nobody. . . _With that last thought, I immediately stood up and walked to the kitchen. I stopped in place for a moment. _Should I really do this?_ I didn't listen to my inside

No one cares

voice and kept walking. I looked for a knife in the kitchen. I found it in the sink, took it, and put it in my pocket. _Where should I do it?_ I realized that nobody would care if I died. _Nobody at all. _Not my dad, Daniel, Andy, or even Ria. I took the knife out of my pocket and sat down. _This is it. It's over. _I put my arm on my lap and breathe. I held the knife by the handle and pointed it towards my left arm. _This is the area where the big veins are._ I took a deep breath and sliced my arm vertically. _Fuck. _Obviously, it hurts when the knife went past my skin and into the veins. But I didn't mind, not at all. I stared at my arm where I injured myself. _It's worth the pain_. My drops of life trickling down my thigh, slowly dying, every drop. Somehow, it felt good… _I ended my own misery. _I took my last breath. I soon realized that everything slowly turned black, I closed my eyes, and slept forever.

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Epilogue:

I woke up and my eyes opened. I was floating above the ground. My body was transparent and I was wearing the same clothes from before. I looked at my arm, there was still blood, but it was dried. I didn't feel any pain. I knew for sure that I was dead. As I look down and saw my father, Andy, Daniel, Mr. Nguyen-Pham, and… _Ria_. They were all wearing black clothing and looked very sad. _What the hell are they doing?_

Ria was crying hard. She was saying things like "Why'd you leave me? I thought you loved me! Was I not good enough? Why Kira? Why did you do this?" Andy had a straight face, but I could tell he was trying too hard to not cry. Mr. Nguyen-Pham had a very grave facial expression. Daniel was yelling and swearing… I heard him. "YOU IDIOT! STUPID DAMN FUCKING IDIOT!! WHAT THE HELL MAN!! WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD JUST GO OFF AND DIE LIKE THAT? LOSER!!" Then he burst out crying.

My father completely broke down. He was on his knees, crying more than anyone. Blaming himself Saying things such as "It's all my fault… I should have spent more time with him," and "I failed as a father. Kira wouldn't be dead if only…" I thought for a moment and realized what I should have known all along.

_So they really did care_… I was… a fool.

Realization.

1 Mischievously: up to no good

2 Cracker: A racist slang term for white people

3 Despair: extreme sadness

- 10 -


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